A painful ending

Endings aren't always happy. Especially when it is a short ones. I'm deem to wear the loser hat in relationship again. It has been closing to the 4th month since I broke up. Nothing changes in me but everything changes around me. Or is it vice versa. Not many knew about this. If I talked more, I'll sound like complaining. I actually want to move on with life. Life is so beautiful. I want to get out from my mess now.
If I felt insecure with life, haha..., no doubt my other half will also feel even insecured. The truth of life...No money no talk. No future no talk. No plans no talk. It doesn't really matter how much love and cares you put in...you will only get "Thank You, you are so Lovely, Alex".
ha. I have not been so disgrunted with life but I am today. Sorry.....God...
It wasn't as bad as the first breakout but is equally miserable. I have been hunching...but got even worst as Im shouldering mountains of stress that I could have ignore in the first place. You know, sometimes I really thought of leaving all this behind...run away....meet new people but guess what...the cycle repeats. It's something wrong with you, my man....my Alex man.... "Male by birth, Man by Choice" I'm sure a lot of you out there knew this phrase.
I hate myself for being who I am. If can, I want to blame the whole world. "Stress is only coming from yourself". I have a lot of quotes-unquotes...which are actually from a lot of my friends who gave advice to me. Thanks... The problem is to sink those good advice into my damn brain and practise it. Damn Alex, you think too much...
Current situation: Broke...Broken...Lost -> Much more like the revival of BBF.
Future situation: I need help....I think i got depression...
How do you see yourself in 5 years time: Dead but Alive!